I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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