Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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