PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
