I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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