I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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