I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
