The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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