you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
