HIV tests are more positive than that guy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
