From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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