you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
