dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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