You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
