Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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