So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
