those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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