Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
