She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize