and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
