well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
