he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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