Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
