yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
