rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
