Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
