Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
