At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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