two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
