My hand turned me down
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just blew my weed a kiss
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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