I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
did you just send me my own nude
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
