hotel room ftw
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
