you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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