a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
