She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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