i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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