I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
