My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
