sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
