He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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