Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Even my vagina gasped.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
