I can text with my tongue
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
