Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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