i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
