bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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