life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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