my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
