naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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