the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
