There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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