Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
