Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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