i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
