Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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