Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
