My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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