How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
