I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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