She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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