I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
