You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
