I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
