Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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