Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
